Phases
by xfacexthisx
Summary: Ed is a teen, so I decided he has to go through phases. The plot or theme is Edward finding himself by going through all these phases. Royxed and RoyEd in every chapter.
1. Gangster Phase

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA. If I did, you better believe that there would be RoyxEd in the series.  
Want proof?  
Me: Ed, do I own FullMetal Alchemist?  
Edward: -laughs- As if the likes of you could really own me. You can't even get my character down properly when writing fan fiction.

By the way, take no offense, please. This is my apology to all the gangsters out there.  
And, uhmm, they KISS (yaoi). So leave if you don't want to read that.

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There was a point in which Edward went through a "gangster" phase.

He came to work with a thin, ribbed black tank top on. Also, his pants were only pulled up to a point on his thighs, thus exposing his striped boxers.

Immediately, he was called into Roy Mustang's office to be disciplined.

"Fullmetal, what is the meaning of this?"

"Yo, g, I'm gangsta. Whaz a poppin?" Edward replied while throwing up gang symbols. Roy sighed.

"Do you even know what half of those MEANT?" Edward just blinked, so Roy smirked. "Besides..." Roy said as he came closer to Edward with his hands behind his back. He leaned down as if to kiss him, and so Edward braced himself somewhat excitedly, but Roy didn't touch him. Once he was very close to Edward's face, Roy whispered, "Gangsters can't be gay. Not openly, at least."

With that said, Roy stood up straightly and turned to the window. Edward was taken aback. "What?"

"You heard me, Fullmetal. If you are gangster, I'm calling it quits and going for Hawkeye." Roy froze, knowing he took it too far. He slowly turned to face Edward, who had his face down and was shaking. "...Ed?"

Edward turned to walk straight out of the room, but Roy grabbed his arm and turned him around. When Roy saw that Edward's face was tear-streaked, he leaned in to kiss him. Edward wasn't expecting anything, since Roy was faking last time. However, Roy leaned completely in and kissed him. During the kiss, Roy took a hold of Edward's pants. Edward blushed, thinking Roy was going to pull them down, but instead Roy pulled them up. Still, the pants fell down again, and Roy gave up.

As Roy began to kiss around, kissing Edward's tears away, he began to speak. "Ed, you know I love you no matter what. I didn't mean it." Then putting his face in front of Edward's, he said, "I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

Edward replied by kissing him.

"By the way, gangsters don't cry either." Roy murmured.

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**More A/N:**  
Roy: The only way he would get huge pants is to wear men's sizes.  
Edward: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE HAS TO WEAR A THREE-YEAR-OLD'S PANTS?  
Roy: -smirk-  
Me: Geez. Ahahah--Edward as a gangster.  
Edward: Shut up.  
Me: You know, I never realized that it's kind of hard to write with two male characters. -sighs- I'm not sure if I like it, but I don't think I made Ed and Roy correct. Hmph.  
Roy: FLAME HER!  
Me: Heyyy. Traitor. But constructive critcizism would be nice, I suppose. Flames? Go right ahead.


	2. Scene

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. I own Edward's sweatshirt though.

They kiss, thus making this (have?) yaoi.

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Ed's "scene" phase was, to say the least, exciting.

He came into work with a dinosaurs and stars all-print sweatshirt **(A/N: I wasn't sure how to describe a scene sweatshirt. It had tiny dinosaurs and stars all over it)** rather than his usual red coat and extra tight pants on. He wore eyeliner, and brushed all of his bangs over one eye. As a final touch, he used alchemy to dye most of his hair black, except his bangs and a single blonde streak. As with his previous phase, he was called into Roy Mustang's office.

"Another phase, Fullmetal?"

"Yeah." Ed tried to sound numb, like a scene kid might.

"You look like a girl with the eyeliner. What are you anyways?" Edward somehow remained calm at being called a girl.

"I'm scene. Rawr!"

"Oh good, scene kids are accepted as gay or bi."

"I know." Ed tried to hide his excitement because he figured this out on his own.

"You didn't let me finish. They are accepted...but they are usually fake."

"Oh really?" Ed leaned over Roy, who was signing some papers at his desk. Ed took Roy's chin in his hands, lifted his face, and kissed him passionately. When they stopped, Ed said, "You can't say that's fake."

"Whatever, shrimp."  
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT THEY HAVE TO WEAR DOLL'S CLOTHES??"

Roy smirked and returned to his paperwork.

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**A/N featuring Roy and Edward!**  
Roy: Why would I do return to my paperwork? I hate paperwork.  
Me: Shush. Now you love it.  
Edward: Bahahah. (for those who don't know...that kind of laugh is supposedly scene.)  
Me: Huh. This one is probably as bad as the gangster one, to say the very least.


	3. Preppy

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA. I wish I did. But all I own is my little idea of Ed going through phases.

There is mentioning of STD's and male genitalia in here. So leave if you don't want to read that.

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Next was Edward's preppy phase.

Rather than being called, he walked immediately to Roy Mustang's office.

"Lykee, oh em gee, Roy, what do you, lyke, think of my outfit?" Roy nearly has a heart attack at the way Edward phrased the sentence. Roy looked Edward over: red, plaid shirt and holey jeans.

"Holy shit, shrimp."

"Nooo, man. Lobster. I'm, lyke, rich." –Ed does a creepy high pitched laugh—

"Girl." Roy said as he signed his paperwork.

"You're, lykee, sooo mean. I haven't felt sooo betrayed in lykee sooo long." Edward said, badly quoting a commercial of The Hills he saw last night. Roy raised an eyebrow.

"That can _hardly_ be defined as betraying, Fullmetal."

"Lykee, oh em gee, don't look at me lyke that."

"Fullmetal, you are acting more girly that Hawkeye would even consider acting."

"Liar."

"I wouldn't doubt if you were to show up wearing a miniskirt tomorrow with this fad."

"PREPS DON'T WEAR MINISKIRTS! AND NEITHER DO GIRLS THAT AREN'T HOES!" Edward yelled, having never forgot Roy's womanizing and tendency to like girls in miniskirts.

"Hey now. I like girls in miniskirts."

"Yeah, I **KNOW**. I read your goddamned shirt." Edward replied, referring to a shirt of Roy's that read: _'I dig girls in miniskirts'_. "Basturd." He murmured some more about all the STD's that Roy probably has, and Roy mostly caught names such as herpes, gonorrhea, and bleeding, swollen dicks. Roy cleared his throat and Edward stopped, glaring at him.

"Edward. Need I discuss the matter of my STD's, or lack of?" Edward flushed, not expecting this. Roy continued. "If I had herpes, you probably would have seen the bumps at sometime during your..._browsing_. If I had gonorrhea, well, let's just say you'd feel some burning when you...well, you know what it is you do." –Roy smirked at Edward's deeper blush— "And lastly, if my dick was bleeding and swollen, your eyesight has to be pretty bad not to notice when we—."

"Okay, okay. Stop. I get it." Edward felt humiliated and defeated.

"You're too angry with your superiors to be a prep, Fullmetal."

For once, it was Edward that smirked, not Roy. "Lyke, whatev."  
He knew it was time to quit the prep phase.

By this time, it seemed as though Edward could only keep a phase for a day before he decided against it.

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**A/N:** Yeah, Ed's an angry little prep.  
By the way, "oh em gee" is omg. Get it?  
Also, if you have any suggestions on phases to do next, blurt them out. I'd like to hear them. I already have been told emo, and I'm definitely going to do that.


	4. Dramatic Emo

**Warning:** The story contains some pretty extreme dramatics. Obviously Edward is emo, and he takes it to heart. Edward gets pretty angst.  
Please don't be at all offended, that is not what I was intending. If you feel it necessary, leave flames, and I will try to explain my actions (well, words in this case.)  
They kiss too. Yay. Don't read if you don't want to read that. It's not that hard to figure out.

This story is **not** meant to be funny. If you want to see an attempted funny version of emo Ed, go to the "Emo--Joke" chapter.

Woot woot for my longest chapter yet (764 words, without Author Notes)

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Edward's emo phase was the first to last more than a week. It was the one he really got in to, and it wasn't that hard—he has no mother, plus had automail to replace some of his limbs.

The first day that Edward came into work, he merely sighed a lot and kept to himself. Roy couldn't tell what was wrong, but wasn't too concerned. The second and third day went pretty much the same, except Roy began to catch that something was wrong.

The fourth day, Edward locked himself in a closet and started loudly sobbing. He refused to come out and only did so when Hawkeye shot off the lock. As soon as the door was open, the sobbing stopped, but Edward was not visible.

"The kid must be small enough to hide in a mop." Roy teased.

"Go away." Came the reply, a long cry from Edward's usual outburst.

The fifth day was just as, if not more, interesting. When Roy tried to get Edward to take off black coat, Edward refused.

"Fullmetal, it's hot out. Surely you cannot be comfortable."

"I'm fine." Insisted Edward. (**A/N:** **O.o I know emo kids usually go in for the attention, but I just couldn't stand to make Edward like that. Since this is emo fiction, you can probably guess why he won't take his shirt off.)**

That night, Roy took Edward to his (Roy's) house. (He had a plan!) As soon as Roy got Edward inside the house, he started kissing him. Roy then began on Edward's neck, nipping and sucking. It was enough to make Edward moan and forget all his troubles. Edward let Roy take off his coat and shirt. However, Roy then stopped and backed off.

"Fullmetal." Roy said, his voice as cold as Edward's automail in the winter. Immediately, Edward snapped back to reality.

"_Shit._" He said, grabbing his coat and covering his exposed chest and arms—especially his flesh arm—too late.

"What. The. Fuck??" Roy demanded.

"Just... just drop it." Edward scrunched himself up.

"Drop it? DROP IT? How to I drop..." Roy grabbed Edward's flesh arm, in the process exposing the cuts. "—THIS??"

Edward tried to jerk his arm away but failed. Roy had a death grip.

"Roy...please...You don't understand..."

"Don't understand? Excuse me?" Roy let out a rich, but angry laugh. Edward winced. "EDWARD! I PUT A FUCKING **GUN** TO MY OWN HEAD! AND YOU THINK I DON'T UNDERSTAND??" (**A/N: Episode 25, Roy does confess to Hughes that he couldn't kill himself.)**

"I'm sorry." Ed squeaked.

"You know what." Roy threw Edward's arm in his face. "You're right; I don't understand. I don't understand why you didn't come and fucking talk to me. Fuck you, Fullmetal." With that said, Roy walked to his bedroom and slammed the door, shaking the house. Edward dressed himself and left.

He was done with the emo fad.

Edward walked down to a nearby stream. He dunked his hand in—the water was ice cold, despite the hot sun beating on it. Lying down, Edward easily fell asleep.

Obviously, he dreamt of Roy. In his dream, Roy was saying things such as "I love you. God, why did you do it? I love you so much and you'd rather use a blade than let me help you..."

In his dream, Edward was either paralyzed or dead. Also, Roy was crying. The crying was so realistic that Edward could almost feel Roy's tears falling on him. Now, half-concious, Ed reasoned that it must have been the stream. He turned away from it, but still he felt the splashing.

"Roy..." Edward groaned in his sleep. "I'm so sorry."

He turned back on his back, only to feel lips upon his own. Surely, he cannot still be dreaming. Dreams don't feel so real. Ed opened his eyes, meeting Roy's closed eyes.

He closed his own eyes and deepened the kiss. In desperate need, Ed grabbed Roy's lapel and pulled him closer. He needed to feel Roy's warmth now. He needed to feel Roy's comforting warmth.

Finally, Edward let go and allowed Roy to pull back.

Suddenly sobbing, Edward choked out, "Roy, please forgive me. Please."

"Edward. What you did was wrong. I want your promise that you will never do it again, whether I'm around or not."

"I p-promise. Ne-never again. I promise." Edward replied, still crying.

"I forgive you. As if I had a choice." Roy smirked, then leaned over and gave Ed a light kiss on the lips. "I love you."

"I love you too."

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A/N: If you want to suggest any phase for Ed, please do.


	5. Funny Emo

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA. Endofstory. -dramatically sobs-

This is the funnier version of emo Ed. I hope.

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Obviously, Ed knew he needed to go through an emo phase, but he decided it was all a joke.

"Hello." Hughes greeted Edward when Edward came into work, "Want to see pictures of my beautiful Elysia?"

"NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!!" Edward screamed and then ran off, pretending to sob.

His first visit was Roy Mustang's office. However, Roy was not in.

Finally, Roy walked through the door. "Fullmetal?"

"NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME AND I'M ALL ALONE!"

"Uhhh…Aww?" Roy was confused.

"WHO ARE YOU SAYING IS SO TINY THAT HE'S CUTER THAN A BUTTON??" Edward burst.

"Let's see... You?"

"I HATE YOU!! YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!"

"Ohhh. Ed. You are doing it wrong. You are supposed to scream that at your parent—" Roy stopped. "…Sorry."

"I have no idea where my dad is; you will be the substitute." Edward said, unfazed.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

"Would your dad do this?" Roy began sucking Edward's neck gently. Edward moaned.

"Well…some dads would…" Ed let out with a hiss of air.

"Oh geez, Ed. Don't think like that."

"I'm not." Edward confirmed, and then kissed Roy hard enough to assure him completely.

The joke phase was over; Edward was satisfied and past it.

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**A/N:**  
Edward: Is he going to seduce me out of every phase??  
Me: Uhhh. DUH. -thinks- Thoughts: _'Hmm. I don't actually know. It's nice, but it could get over done. Hmph. Let the fans decide, I suppose.'_

P.S. If you want to suggest a phase for Ed, please do.


	6. Jock

**A/N:**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA. I own Edward's cup. Hahah. I wish. I'd hang it on my wall, wouldn't you?

**Warning:** Yaoi. Just the way it should be.

**Sorry:** I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I've been sick, so I blame that for killing my inspiration to write for a while.

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Edward tossed Roy a pair of pompoms at the end of the day.  
"What are these for?" Roy, for once, had no idea what Fullmetal was up to.  
"You'll see...tomorrow." Ed replied and walked away.  
Roy raised one eyebrow. "That's kinky." He said as he examined the pink and purple pompoms.

The next day, Edward arrived dressed in a football jersey (padding included), basketball shorts, and soccer shoes (which would make imprints on the carpet), plus he was carrying a hockey stick.

He barged into Roy Mustang's office.

"...Fullmetal?" Roy smirked at the overdressed boy.

"Where are your pompoms?" Edward asked.

"Here. Is this role-play or something? Because I'm not really turned on by sports clothes..."

"No. I am a jock. I play football, basketball, soccer, and hockey. Plus I still find time to bribe the teachers to give me straight A's."

"You don't even go to school. And where to my pompoms come it?" Roy paused, thinking. "Oh no. No. No no no. I am not...?"

"That's right. You're my slutty cheerleader girlfriend." Edward smiled cheerfully. "Now, I know you are forced to wear the uniform, but you can still use the pompoms."

"No offense, Fullmetal, but the common theory is that you are the bitch."

"Hmph! Not today. Now cheer, slut, cheer!"

"You're a dick."

"_Now_ you get it!" Edward said too excited. He cleared his throat and said in a deepened voice, "I mean, that's good that you understand that, you stupid hoe. I'm a man; not you."

"Hmph. I'm sure."

"Mhmm."

"Well. Since you are a jock, surely you can shoot a hoop?"

"A what? OH! Yeah, of course I can."

"Show me." Roy opened a door to a large cabinet in his office. There was a miniature basketball hoop stuck to the door, plus a small basketball inside.

Edward gulped, and took the shot. He missed, sadly. Roy attempted not to burst out laughing and settled for a smirk instead.

"Well, uh, the basketball skill is really in my legs anyway..." Ed fumbled to make up an excuse.

"I knew you couldn't play basketball. You're too short." Roy stated while wondering, '_How can you have basketball talent in your legs?'_

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE'S SMALLER THAN THE BASKETBALL!" Edward exploded.

"And a football. And a soccer ball. And a hockey puck." Roy listed off.

"Screw you!" Roy did not reply. Instead, he walked extremely close to Edward. Ed looked him straight in the face, not noticing what Roy was doing with his hand. Roy brushed his hand against Ed's crotch, not that Ed felt it.

"Holy shit, you're wearing a cup." Roy laughed this time, while Ed turned bright red.

"Y-yeah, well, I needed, uh, protection." Edward stuttered. Roy laughed.

"From what, exactly?"

"From a stray ball—"

"That you're smaller than?" Roy interrupted.

"Or puck." Edward continued. Then he comprehended what Roy said. "HEY!"

"Hmm. You can't even feel this" –Roy applied slight pressure to Edward's cup— "Can you?"

"W-well...I, uh..." Edward stuttered, "I _can_. I feel the pressure around it..."

"And this?" Roy leaned in and kissed Edward, inserting his tongue in the teen's mouth. Roy touched a certain spot that made Edward shutter and moan.

"Oh goodness, yes. I can feel that." Edward said when the two men had pulled apart.

"Good. I'm glad you're not wearing a mouth guard." Roy replied. "Now then, we really have to do something about that cup..."

Hawkeye tried to get into Roy's office later to shoot him into doing some paper work, but found the door sealed with alchemy; the alchemy could only be Edward's doing, since the door handle had a mini Ed-head.

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**A/N:** Ahahah. The head I am referring is like...those yellow pillows of Ed (look it up on Ebay). Or like the microphone head in episode 5.  
I **JUST** realized that I wasn't allowing anonymous reviews. Sorry anyone who wanted to do that.

P.S. Suggests I have that I most likely will do: Uberly Gay Guy, Geek (who loves anime comic books), Punk Skater, and a Professional Person (think...suit and ties).  
I combined some ideas. I'm sorry if your phase isn't up; chances are that I haven't heard of what you meant.


	7. Uberly Gay

**Disclaimer:** Ahahah. I don't own FMA.

Please...don't kill me. I know that it took way too long for me to update. I had some problems thinking of how an uberly gay Edward would be.  
Also, please don't take any offense to this. I was not trying to insult gay men in any way, I promise.

**Warning:** They kiss (yaoi).

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Roy had grown to the point where he was confident that Edward's phases could not shock him.

He couldn't be more wrong; he nearly fell off his chair when Ed came into work with a flaming pink jacket on. Apparently, Edward had taken his famous red coat and dyed it pink. **(A/N: Oh my goodness, Edward's an idiot in this one. O.o He dyed his FAMOUS red coat PINK. Ahhhhh. Okay, read on.)**

Roy tried to play off like everything was normal: "So, uh, Fullmetal, how are you?"

However, Edward would not allow that. In a flamboyantly gay voice, he replied: "I'm super, thanks for asking!"

Roy froze up, lacking any and all words that he could use in such a moment.

"So, anyways, don't cha just _love_ my rainbow shirt?" Edward pointed out a shirt that had failed to be noticed due to the pink coat. Roy choked on his coffee for a short bit.

"It's, uh...beautiful?" Roy said in a voice that told that he was unsure.

"I think it's _fabulous_!" Edward exclaimed.

"Why don't you just dye your hair rainbow?" Roy murmured under his breath. Unfortunately for him, Ed heard it.

"Oh my goodness, that would be fabulous too!!" He shrieked. Ed then ran off to buy some paints that he could use for hair coloring with his skill in alchemy.

"Oh dear god." Roy put his head in his hands.

---

When Edward returned, Roy again choked, except this time it was on his own spit. Ed has a rainbow pattern in his hair and it looked almost ridiculous.

Roy needed to use the men's room, so he has Edward watch over his office.

Bad idea.

When Roy got back, Edward had managed to "paint" the couch and carpet in a rainbow pattern. The colors were so bright that they were practically glowing, it seemed.

"Fullmetal..." Roy said apprehensively. "This...is going a bit to far."

"Oh my goodness, how come? It looks super!" Edward exclaimed.

"I understand the need to be...proud. However, when my eyes burn from looking at the bright carpet, we have a problem." Roy took a seat in his chair.

"Oh, darling, you are exaggerating. Your eyes cannot be literally burning."

"True enough. However, the carpet is painful. I'll excuse the couch. I somewhat consider that your couch anyway..."

"You mean it?" Edward cut in. "That's honestly 'My Couch'?"

"Well, yeah. You sit there while I do my work..."

"OH ROY!" Edward squeaked and hopped into Roy's lap. "I love you, babe." Edward kissed Roy on the cheek, exactly as a young girl would do.

"Ohhh no. This isn't going to work. Edward, you are behaving like a woman. That's too extravagantly gay for me, and you are treading on the brink of being transsexual." Roy said.

"Oh, hun, I am not." Edward said, still in Roy's lap. He kissed Roy lightly on the cheek again.

"Goddamn it." Roy easily lifted Edward and placed him on his back on the desk. Then Roy roughly began to kiss him, not bothering at all to be gentle. Instinct kicked in, and Edward became rough too. Pulling away, Roy panted out: "_That_ is how you kiss like a man."

"_Fabulous_." Edward said in the flamboyant voice and then pulled the colonel towards him again. They continued their rough kissing and absolutely no paper work got done.

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**A/N: As a little P.S., I'd like to say that you can check out my other story if you want. I mean, it's full of angst, but it can be something to read while you wait for me to update this.**

**I'd like to add that I've been being incredibly rude. I really appreciate all the reviews everyone has been giving me and I'd like to thank you all. I'm sorry that thank you did not come earlier. **


	8. Professional

**Disclaimer:** ...Do I even need to tell you that I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist?

This is the phase where Ed goes professional. I am basically doing them at random as inspiration hits me.

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Roy was signing a sheet when he heard a polite little knock. Thinking it was Hawkeye or someone else coming to deliver more paperwork, he told the knocker to come in. Edward entered, wearing a suit and tie. He was even carrying a briefcase and wearing glasses. Roy gapped at this sight and at Edward's politeness in knocking.

"...Fullmetal?"

"No, sir. My name is Mr. Elric." Mr. Elric sat down in the chair across from Roy with his back perfectly straight and his briefcase at his feet.

"Welcome, Mr. Elric. My name is Mr. Mustang. We've met, if memory serves correctly?" Roy decided to play along, since it got him out of paperwork.

"Yes, I believe that is the case." Edward couldn't keep this up and giggled as a result. Roy raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me, Mr. Elric, but is something of humor in this room?" Roy said.

"Not at all." Edward replied.

"Mr. Elric, if memory is still serving correctly, you do not wear glasses due to the lack of need for them."

"I know. I can't see; shut up." Edward blurted, killing any chance he had at professionalism. Quickly he tried to regain it by restating himself. "I realize that, Mr. Mustang. My eyes are currently not working as it is, and I would appreciate it if you held your tongue."

Roy sighed. "Oh, Edward."

"Mr. Elric!" Ed demanded.

"Of course..." Roy got up and leaned over Ed to kiss him.

Edward leaped up and started to run out of the room. Once halfway out with the door open, he stopped.

"Ha ha, you can't catch me!" He said to Roy and stuck his tongue out, but then ran off.

"So much for being professional!" Roy said and went back to paperwork before Hawkeye could find him and shoot him into doing so.

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**A/N:**  
**Ed:** OH MY GOD!! He FINALLY didn't seduce me out of a phase. Took long enough.  
**Me:** Oh hush.

**Now I'm going to take some time for shameless self-promotion.**  
**Me:** Soo...I have this other story that isn't read as much as this one. I'm kind of proud of it.  
**Ed:** Yeah, but Roy and I are so...angst in it!  
**Roy:** And you included some lemon.  
**Ed:** Plus you make me cry and stuff and I don't like that.  
**Roy:** And you make me do...stuff to him that shouldn't be said, even to fangirls.  
**Me:** Ed, you're allowed to have feelings. I gave them to you. Roy... get over it. People like that sort of stuff and want to hear about it! So, anyone want to read it and review it?

Probable upcoming phases (i.e. don't suggest them): Hippie, Punk Skater, "Revealing clothes", Nerd/Geek(? unsure but maybe), a "camp counselor type of person" (you should know the type: overexcited in the scary sort of way)  
If you want to suggest any, that'd be useful.


	9. Overly Cheerful

**Disclaimer: The fact that I write this kind of think is proof that I don't own FMA.**

This phase: Camp Counselor type of person. You know, overly excited and such.

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"ROY! LET'S GO FOR A WALK!" Edward bounced into Roy's office in a way that suggested he was on a sugar high.

"Fullmetal, you know full well that Hawkeye would kill me."

"No she won't!" Edward's eyes became huge in an attempt to be innocent. With that, he dragged Roy out of his chair. Hawkeye caught them right away.

"Edward. While I appreciate your presence, Mustang has to sign papers right now." She said.

"I'm just going to take him for a walk in a way that will enhance his senses to the natural world and thus allow him to relax, which will relax his muscles, and thus prevent any hand cramps which will prevent him from signing papers altogether, in a way that even your gun could not force him to do because your gun cannot force muscle cramps away. Plus, let's face it, he's old and he needs exercise so that he does not become fat because people will not like a fat Führer, it's not a good example to the children out there and would encourage them to eat too much sugar!" Edward ranted in the most annoyingly cheerful voice.

Taking advantage of Hawkeye's momentary shock, Edward passed her quickly with Roy in tow. The door was shot at before Edward could touch it.

"…Please?" Edward asked.

"Have him back in two hours."

"Hey, wai—." Roy said, trying to take control of the situation.

"Thank you!" Edward squealed and then proceeded to pull Roy with too much cheerfulness.

"So is it drugs or what?" Roy eventually said, as they approached a local park.

"…Excuse me?" Edward looked at Roy with the most innocent eyes.

"You are way, way to cheerful. It's kind of…scary." Roy said.

"Oh Roy! You're so silly!" Edward giggled. They spent the two hours pushing each other on the swings and playing on the playground equipment. It was extremely unlike Roy, but he gave in because Ed squealing his name was giving him a headache.

"I'll see you at home tonight, sweetie!" Edward said excitedly as he dropped Roy off. Roy froze.

"Don't _ever_ call me 'sweetie', Fullmetal." He said coolly.

"Okay!" Edward wasn't letting anything get him down.

* * *

Upon his arrival home, Roy found Edward frantically doing the dishes. 

"Lalala this is so much fun!" Edward tried to sing. Roy winced at the horridness of it. Roy sneaked up behind Edward and wrapped his arms around Edward's waist. Edward jumped slightly, but quickly calmed down. Roy nipped Ed's neck and Edward couldn't help but let a moan escape his throat.

Quickly he whipped around.

"Roy! Good! You can help me with the dishes!" Edward grinned. However, the Flame had other ideas on his mind. He leaned in to kiss Ed, and Ed simply gave up and gave in.

* * *

About an hour later, both men laid panting in Roy's bed. The sweat and exhaustion made it obvious what they had been doing.  
"So, no overly excited remark?" Roy said, smirking.  
"Can't. Too. Tired." Edward panted and rolled over to fall asleep. Apparently he didn't have the energy to be overly excited and still keep up with his daily activities.  
Roy let Ed sleep in as late as he wanted the next day. 

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**A/N:** I am working on getting suggestions all written up. This one sounded the most fun, so I did it first. See the previous chapter to see what phases not to suggest.  
**Shameless self-advertisement:** Until the other suggestions come out...want to check out my other stories? I have two angst stories (well, one story and a oneshot) and one cute little DoubleDrabble.  
**Other notes:** Thank you for all the reviews! I love you people :-)


	10. Punk Skater

**Disclaimer: My background on my computer is Ed, and my background on my phone is RoyxEd, but I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.**

Phase: Punk/rebel skater

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"Edward Elric, why are you skateboarding in the hallways?" Roy could clearly hear Hawkeye say.

"Because I'm a rebel." Edward replied smoothly. After that, all Roy heard were a few gunshots. He felt the need to check out the murder scene and was shocked by what he saw.

Edward was dressed in loose black shorts and a band shirt displaying a name Roy couldn't even read. Plus he was skateboarding, and Roy realized that he didn't even know that Ed knew how to skateboard.

Clearly, Edward could not skateboard very well, however, because he fell on his butt soon afterwards.

Roy couldn't help himself; he burst out laughing. Glaring upwards at Roy, Edward gave him a pout-y look that said _What-are-you-laugh-at_ and _Wanna-go-bitch?_

As a joke, Roy threw up his arms and did the "what now, g" thing that gangsters do, although he found it difficult with the restrictions of his uniform.

Completely out of character of a punk skater, Edward shrank away; he was afraid he was going to get hit. Roy put his arms down.

Regaining himself, Edward jumped up and pushed Roy, because he figured that is what a skater would do.

Roy stood there with his mouth hanging open in shock as Edward continued his rebellion. Quite easily, Edward did an "Ollie" (A/N: from what I hear, that is an easy trick to do).

Hawkeye fired a few bullets at his head.

"Major Elric, I suggest you refrain from doing that in headquarters." She said.

"Y-Yes, sir." Edward hesitated but finally decided not to salute.

"Fullmetal, my office." Roy said. Edward decided to obey the order, as a way to rebel against his rebellion. As soon as the door was shut, Roy turned to face Edward.

"So, what phase are you at now?" Roy said.

"Pft. Why would I tell you?" Edward said in the most disrespectful tone he could.

"Rebel then?"

"Psht." Edward avoided the question with the noise and attempted to grind on Roy's desk with his skateboard. He fell over right away.

"Fullmetal, do not destroy office equipment. Well, then. Rebellious skater, I'm assuming."

"Maybe..." Edward looked up at Roy from his position on the ground. Roy moved closer and towered over Ed.

"Since you are in that position, you know what would be really rebellious?" Roy hinted.

"Roy!" Ed gasped, turning bright red at the suggestion. He checked to make sure the door was closed. He then picked himself up to make sure that there were no more suggestions like that.

"As if that makes you any bigger..." Roy said.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER HE'S STANDING OR SITTING, YOU STILL CAN'T SEE HIM WITHOUT A MAGNIFYING GLASS??" Edward burst. Roy chuckled.

"Maybe tonight, we could...?" Roy started, then leaned over and kissed Ed to say what he was talking about.

"But then I won't have any energy for skating!" Edward protested, keeping his camp counselor phase in mind.

"You'd choose skating over our little pleasures?" Roy asked, surprised.

"Damn right." Edward put on one of his determined pouts.

"Hmm. So you're more of a skater than a rebel then."

"How so?"

"Well...what we do is taboo..." Roy pointed out.

"Ooh. Point noted. Hmm..." Edward trailed off in thought. "Okay. Fuck skating." Edward said at last.

"Good, because you mostly fail at it." Roy said.

"Hey!"

For once, one of Edward's phases lasted longer than a day or a week. This was one phase he was going to keep. Due to the fact that his and Roy's relationship was socially taboo, he kept the rebel/punk part of his title.

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**A/N:** I...don't really like it, but hopefully you will. I do really like the line of "rebel against his rebellion."  
**Phases not to suggest (the ones I am doing):** Hippie, "Revealing clothes", Nerd/Geek(? unsure but maybe), Artsy type of person.  
I might create a limit to the phases, but I promise that when I do, I will have a conclusion for this story. Right now the story may seem plotless, but it's basically about Edward finding himself by going through all these phases. Sound good? Yeah, I'm putting that in the summary now.


	11. Author's Notes

**This will be updated as phase ideas are added, so be sure to check it before reviewing with phase suggestions.**

Phases I am planning to do: Dumb blonde, Debate, Talking in Pig Latin, Denial about everything, Major Suck Up, Narrates other people's lives, Talks in third person, Mood swings, Scaredy cat(? maybe), High School Musical Edward (oh goodness. heehee)  
(note: these phases will be deleted once they are done)

I cannot do eating disorders or addictions (which rules out stoner and alcoholic). This is due to the fact that these aren't really phases.  
Eating disorders (which no one has suggested, but I thought I'd get it out of the way) are serious conditions, which a person suffers through and cannot be put off as a phase.  
Being a stoner (which two people have suggested; one was a misunderstanding, but the other meant stoner as involving drugs) is not a phase. Trying drugs, maybe, but being a stoner means you do drugs almost regularly and thus are addicted. The same goes with alcohol. Not only that, but drugs and alcohol are basically against my morals, so I'd end up wanting to kill Edward by the end of it for being so stupid. And we all know I can't kill Ed.

I'll have to reply on here to "troy", since he is an anonymous reviewer.  
Apologies, but I'll have to decline your idea of a stoner/smoker. Also, the firefighter idea sounds amusing, but a firefighter is a job, not a phase...so...that is also declined.  
However, the nerd who explains everything with a math equation sounds good, so that is added to the list. The badboy phase was suggested by someone else first, so that was added to the list before you suggested it.

After saying all that, I realize that I have to apologize for the Dramatic Emo Phase. I never meant to imply that Edward "became a cutter", because that would suggest he was addicted. I simply meant that he...experimented, for lack of a better word. He tried and then quit, and never got the chance to become addicted. I don't want anyone to think that you can simply get over it once you really get into cutting yourself, because you can't. It's an addiction similar to alcohol and drugs; you still get urges to do it even once you've quit. Again, I apologize for misleading you readers.

I'd also like to thank all my reviewers. Honestly, you make my day:-)


	12. Revealing clothes

**Disclaimer:** I most definitely don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. However, I own my ability to make Edward wear barely any clothes...well, in fan fics. I also own the ability to keep a perfectly straight face while writing this _in class_. XD

I apologize for the extreme OOCness (out of characterness) of almost every character. Just go with it. I tried to make them seem at least a little bit like themselves.

**Phase:** Revealing Clothes.

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"You know, Major Elric, clothes are good to wear, especially in public." Hughes said to the barely dressed teenage.

"I am wearing clothes!" Edward protested, though those "clothes" consisted of a fishnet tank top and really short shorts.

"Major Elric! Finally we can compare muscles! Though I doubt you will beat my own; they have been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" Alex Armstrong burst in, ripping off his shirt and flexing his muscles, as he was known to do.

"The worst part is, even with your shirt off, you are still wearing more clothes than Fullmetal." Roy Mustang entered the room, after hearing all the commotion. "Then again, it doesn't take much to clothe a shrimp."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE COULD MAKE HIS CLOTHES OUT OF A TINY PIECE OF THREAD THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE BECAUSE IT'S SO SMALL??" Edward burst.

"Actually, that's about what you are wearing now." Roy stated, looking over Ed's outfit.

"People, get off my case! They're my clothes and I like them. They are comfortable."

"The pants are tighter than your regular pants, how can they be comfortable?"

"They…they just are!" Edward replied to Roy in a huff.

"Fullmetal, my office. We need to discuss what is appropriate attire for work." Roy said, when he saw more military personal were coming that were not of his unit. He was sure that he would get some sort of punishment if someone supposedly under his control was found dressed like this. Edward Elric was not forced to wear the uniform, but he undoubtedly would be if the higher ups knew what he chose to wear to work today.

"Damn it, Edward, what is the meaning of this?" Roy asked once the door was closed.

"I'm…I just don't feel like wearing so much constricting material."

"Obviously." Roy raised an eyebrow, once again looking at Ed's outfit. "I just can't believe you would wear this in public. Couldn't this be a stay home outfit?"

"I…" Ed started. He paused before muttering quietly, "Iwantedyoutoseeit."

"Excuse me?" Roy smirked, and his ego somewhat inflated.

"I said…I wanted you to see it, bastard." Edward turned bright red after basically admitting that he wanted Roy to think he was sexy.

"That's…" Roy chuckled. "Oh, Edward." Roy leaned over and kissed Edward.

Edward kissed back passionately. Obviously his teenage hormones were running a bit wildly today. Soon enough, Edward had Roy pinned against the wall, his hands pinned to either side of him (A/N: Because we all know that he couldn't pin them above his head. –laughs-)

Edward begins to expand his territory, sucking and nipping. Roy began to breathe heavier.

"Ed…we shouldn't." Roy gasped out.

"Please? I got all dressed up. I don't want that to have been pointless." Edward actually seemed to beg. Maybe it was because his, ahem, contents were straining against his shorts.

"Hawkeye will kill us if she find us." Roy tried to keep his position, but the truth was that he wanted to too.

"That just makes it more exciting." Edward said, and nipped Roy's ear. That did the trick.

"Okay." Roy said faintly.

-----justguesswhattheyaredoing-----

Another moan came out of the office.

"Damn it, Hawkeye, couldn't you just go and shoot them some?" Havoc voiced what everyone was thinking.

"I am NOT walking in on that." Hawkeye said in reply. "I don't think you would want to either."

"True." Havoc attempted to light a cigarette, which Hawkeye promptly shot out of his mouth.

In the office, Edward was thinking he should wear barely any clothes more often.


	13. Jock phase 2 drabble

Drabble and a half. 150 words. Dedicated to E.Mahiru, because she pointed out to me how jocks act. Hopefully this is more correct.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, because if I did...there would be more episodes coming out right now. Spinoffs and stuff.

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"I'm so fast that I can dodge Hawkeye's bullets. I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I'm like Superman!" Edward bragged.

"I dodge Hawkeye's bullets all the time, Fullmetal." Roy said in a bored tone.

"I bet I can bench more than you." Edward challenged.

"Only because of your automail arm." Roy said, not looking up from his paperwork.

"Did I tell you how fast I could run?"

"Yes, and I stand by my statement that it's only because you don't have a lot of weight to carry."

"HEY! WHO'RE YOU CALLING—"

"FULLMETAL! I don't care about your speed or how much you can 'bench'. I'm trying to do my damned paperwork, for once." Roy said, his last nerve finally touched.

Silence filled the office, excluding the scratching of Roy's pen.

"So, did I tell you how many hoops I got once?"

Roy started banging his head on his desk.

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I might have to add a bit of (shameless self)advertisement right here.  
Hopeless love...I added another chapter on that. So now it has a happy ending.  
Hmm. Despite Your Denial...has a new chapter. I think that might be finished.  
Plus I have a DoubleDrabble called Whipped Cream...that one is kind of cute (did I mention that this is _shameless_ self-advertisement? Well, this is the shameless part.)


	14. Sailor Moon 'slash' Anime nerd

Oh my goodness, you guys! Over 60 reviews (and not a flame in sight) XD Thank you!!!

I'm afraid all I have to give you is..._this_.  
I honestly think I pretty much butchered this. I am sorry.

The large block of italics is a memory.  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or Sailor Moon and this fiction definitely proves it.  
**Phase:** Anime nerd...well, actually...I butchered it to make it a Sailor Moon phase...

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Roy Mustang sighed and signed yet another paper. He wasn't sure whether to hope that Edward would show up. After his last phase of revealing clothes, Hawkeye nearly killed him. After Edward had left the office, Hawkeye had barged and nearly shot him, this time for death. She made him speed-sign on the papers.

_BANG! Hawkeye shot another bullet past Roy's shoulder. "KEEP SIGNING!"  
_"_I am; I'm going as fast as I can!!" Roy yelled, all while signing his name. A drop of blood fell on the paper. The bullet must have clipped his ear, most likely on purpose.  
_"_Sir, I'm bleeding. May I take a break to clean it?" Roy could not believe he just had to call one of his underlings "sir", but he did it.  
_"_NO! Wipe it on your jacket, but don't you dare stop signing while doing that!" Roy sighed; Hawkeye was heartless. Finally the paperwork was done.  
_"_May I go home?" Roy asked, not daring to assume she would have let him just walk out.  
_"_Yes. Sir, I would like this to be a lesson to you to never let anything distract you. Edward Elric was not only a distraction for you, but he also distracted the whole office, as we all heard him." Roy turned bright red at Hawkeye's words.  
"I-I'm sorry about that." Roy stuttered in his flush. He walked out of the office with his head down and went home. Luckily, by the time he got home (several hours later than usually), Edward was wearing normal clothes again._

"Moon tiara power!" Edward Elric's loud voice cut through Roy's memories and he sighed. Of course, immediately following Edward's yell were gunshots.

"Major Elric, do not throw tiaras in the office!" Hawkeye demanded.

"I am Sailor Moon, champion of justice! On behalf of the moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means you!"

"Oh dear god..." Roy hesitantly walked out of his office, only to find exactly what he feared: Edward was in Sailor Moon cosplay. Edward was in the basic outfit (the one Sailor Moon has at the start of the series), and a tiara was lying on the floor a few feet in front of him. If one looked, they could see lines in Ed's forehead where the tiara had pressed. Ed went so far as to buy a wig, since his hair was not long enough to have Sailor Moon's style.

From his minor knowledge of Sailor Moon, Roy knew this could only get worse. He knew what Sailor Moon was, as well as the ridiculous attacks and the sometimes amazingly/annoyingly high-pitched voices. All this was thanks to having to babysit Elysia a few times.

"...Edward?" Roy finally voiced, his shock somewhat diminished.

"It's Sailor Moon." Edward automatically corrected, and then looked at Roy with a face that said he was plotting something. "Oh Darien!" He squeaked in a high-pitched voice.

"...Sir? Instructions?" Hawkeye turns to Roy, because she, for once, has no idea what to do.

"Just let me take him into my office and I'll take care of him."

"Yes, sir. However, sir: no repeats of yesterday." Hawkeye demanded with a threat in her voice.

"Yes, Hawkeye; I will make sure of that." Roy grasped a hold of Edward's shoulders; which Edward shrugged away from to get his tiara, but then allowed Roy to take him into his office.

"Fullmetal, I don't know what phase this could possibly be, but don't let it become a distraction while I am trying to work; understood?"

"Yes, Darien, my love."

"...There is no way in all hell that I am playing along to that." Roy said, and sat down to sign papers. Edward decided to sit on the couch, but he was bouncing in boredom within five minutes.

Randomly, Edward pulled a cosplay wand out of nowhere, and began pushing buttons, each of which made a different sound effect. This entertained him for a tiny bit until Roy said, "Edward, you are becoming a distraction."

"But I'm bored!" Edward exclaimed. However, he stopped playing with the wand and tried using bouncing as his entertainment. As he was bouncing, his skirt was slowly riding up, Roy noticed. _Apparently Ed is not used to wearing skirts._

"Flashing more leg isn't going to do anything." Roy commented.

"What?" Ed looked down and turned bright red. His skirt was nearly to the point of baring all. _Hey, wait...Roy loves miniskirts..._

"Sooo..." Edward said, standing up and swishing his hips while walking to Roy's desk.

Roy looked up. _Shit_, he thought, _Edward caught on to the good side of his uniform..._

Trying to stay as professional as possible, Roy said "Yes, Fullmetal?" all while becoming very unprofessional under his desk—in his lap, to be exact.

Edward caught on and leaned forward and began to kiss Roy.

---

"YOU BETTER KEEP SIGNING!! I BETTER NOT EVEN HEAR A MILLISECOND OF NO PEN SCRATCHING!" Hawkeye yelled and fired her gun, the bullet narrowly missing Roy's head. Once again, he arrived home hours later to find Edward in normal clothes. This time, however, Edward wore a smirk that said he knew exactly what he caused and he wasn't ashamed of it.

"Bastard." It seems the roles were reversed, and for once it was Roy calling the other by the name.

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Yes, Hawkeye is so OOC in this fiction. I'm just going to say that it's because she's _pissed_. I doubt she would want to hear Edward moaning...and she probably would feel really awkward. I know I would. Well, maybe not Edward, but other people: yeah. Ew.  
The part about her not knowing what to do...well, surely that is understandable too. I doubt anyone would know what to do if someone started yelling about being Sailor Moon.


	15. Rumors and affairs

Done for fun, and I'm going to give GreedxEd credit for inspiring it, although I somewhat warped the idea.

**Three warnings:** Some extreme OOCness. Plus, it's long. Nearly two pages with regular paragraphs (spaced like it is now, it's probably four pages). Insults to some of the pairing out there (especially to Elricest...although that is just _asking_ to be insulted.)  
**Random Information:** Restored!Al...because a tin can is more difficult to make have affairs with people... Also, I included a lot of characters in this "phase". It's not just Ed.  
**Disclaimer:** If I owned FMA, they would publish a military magazine with all the lastest rumors of who's-sleeping-with-who. Obviously, they don't, so I don't own FMA. I hope you made that connection.  
**Phase:** Rumors Phase

-----------------------------------------------------

"WHAT?!?!" Riza Hawkeye heard a yell come from Roy Mustang's office. She rushed in with a gun raised. Roy was so shocked by what he was reading that he didn't even bother to put down his magazine.

"Riza, have you heard what they say in this magazines??" He asked. Riza sighed and put her gun away.

"Do your work, sir." She said and began to walk out of the office.

"Apparently you're into bestiality." Roy said. Riza tensed and, against her better judgment, went to look at what Roy was reading.

"...There is a rumor that I'm have sexual affairs with Black Hayate?"

"And with me. And with Jean Havoc." Roy pointed them out as they came. The magazine went so far as to make a poll of what one people thought was most likely.

"Yeah, but later on, they say that Havoc is not likely because the reason he smokes cigarettes is because they remind him of sucking...oh my god." Riza refuses to finish the actual sentence for the indecency of it.

"Apparently I'm having sexual relationships with every one of my subordinates and that's why they're are so loyal..." Roy said, turning white. "They say that there is no way this is true with Edward Elric because he's never under my control. Little do they know..." A click of a gun is heard.

"I suggest you not finish that sentence, sir." Riza said.

"Yes. They also say that Edward is having an affair with...Riza, call Edward right now."

---

"I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH AL?!?!" Edward shouted, his voice getting louder than when he rants. "SICK!! H-he's my...he's my...brother...oh my goodness. We-we're r-related!" Roy smirked and chuckled at Edward's reaction.

"They know that. They call it Elricest. It's a combination of 'Elric' and 'incest'. Get it?" Roy stated. Edward turned even paler.

"Holy...holy shit." Edward sank into the couch, trying to stop the images in his mind.

"What I don't get is this: of all the people to cheat on me with, you chose your brother. Well, I thought your love of him was a little unnatural."

"P-please don't say that." Edward said, and then grabbed a pillow to bury his face in. He began rocking to his own little chanting of "Ew. Ew. Ew."

"Edward, it's okay. I'm apparently having affairs with Hawkeye, Hughes, Breda, Havoc, Falman, and Fuery." In a flash, Ed jumped up.

"YOU BETTER NOT BE!!!" He shouted.

"Notice it's everyone except you."

"I did!" Edward said indignantly. "I'm an effing prodigy, why would you NOT sleep with me, eh, Mustang?"

"Edward, you are getting too worked up about this." Riza said from the doorway, entering to bring more paperwork.

"Damn it! Riza, you should know that I'm too busy having affairs with all of you subordinates to do any damned paperwork." Roy joked in a half-serious manner.

"Nice try, sir. So," Riza turned to Edward after dropping the paperwork on Roy's desk, "You and Al, eh?"

"ARGH!!" Edward shouted. "I'm calling him down here!"

---

"Wha...what? People think I'm sleeping with Nii-san?" Alphonse Elric asked in disbelief.

"Apparently. Take a look at the article." Roy tossed Al the magazine.

"Bu-but...We're brothers..." Al said, paleness overtaking his face.

"It's fucking disgusting." Edward added from his side of the couch.

"I don't know; you guys are sitting pretty close..." Roy felt the need to add from his position of standing in front of them. Edward launched himself into a tackle (which he learned how to do during his jock phase) at Roy. Once Roy was efficiently pinned down, Edward gave him a slightly sloppy kiss.

"Bastard, don't say stuff like that."

"Ewww! I told you guys not to do that in front of me!" Al whined. "I'm perfectly fine with you two being together, but I don't want to see that!"

"Sorry, Al!" Edward jumped up and looked ashamed.

"It's fine. Just...don't forget: I'm straight, and I don't like seeing two men ravishing each other, especially if one of them is my brother." Al said, though not very confidently.

"However, you don't mind your lover, Martel, ravishing another woman?" Roy asked. As response to the look on Al's face, he grabbed the magazine and found the article.

"What?? I am not having threesomes with Martel and Winry!!" Al shouted, unable to hold himself back. He looked at the second suggestion. "Nor with Martel and Ms. Riza!!"

"Now I'm sleeping with Al? I thought I was too busy sleeping with every other guy in the office!" Riza exclaimed. "Oh this is ridiculous. Let's just ignore the rumor, and they'll eventually go away. They'll become yesterday's news." Riza pointed out.

"Actually...they were never true to start with. Look at the editor of this magazine: Roy 'The Flame' Mustang." Edward said. Everyone turned to where Roy Mustang had been sitting a fraction of second ago, homicidal thoughts crossing their minds. However, the Flame had disappeared. "He is going to get it when he gets home..." Edward said, a threat evident in his voice.

---

"Edward! I was bored!" Roy's shout was heard from a few blocks away.

"I DON'T CARE, BASTARD! THAT IS NO EXCUSE TO MAKE UP RUMORS! NOW GET OVER HERE SO I CAN FORCE THIS BLADE DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

The house shook as both alchemists fought, but eventually the fight ended. Edward had Roy pinned to the ground, both panting heavily.

"You know your punishment, right?" Edward pulled one of his imitations of the famous Roy Mustang smirks.

"I'm sure you're going to tell me." Roy said.

"No. _Sex_." Edward made sure to get the message across clearly. "But I'm sure you can get that from all of your subordinates, can't you? Thus, you're also going to sleep on the couch tonight."

Roy groaned, but he still thought it was worth it. Granted, it was probably stupid of him to put his name as editor, but, ever proud, he felt the need to take credit for his work.


	16. Mathematics 'slash' Algebra Nerd

Honestly? This was fun to do. I love math, especially algebra. -laughs- I know, I'm a nerd.

If Edward Elric's long equation confuses you, that might be a good thing. I'm sure you will get it after looking for a bit. I hope?

**Warning:** I live in the United States, so I do not use to metric system for distance. If you truely want the numbers, I'm sure you can use Google or some search engine to look it up.  
**Note:** The numbers I use for walking distance is an estimate based upon how fast I walk (decreased for Ed, increased for Roy). I tried to make this as accurate as possible.  
**Disclaimer:** If I am subject 'a' and the ownership of FMA is subject 'b', and 'c' is the distance between us, well, let's just say that 'c' is pretty long.

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Everyone knew that Edward Elric was smart. After all, he was a prodigy who originally learned his alchemy from _books_, and read everything he could get his hands on.

There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Edward Elric was smart, even if a little rash. However, no one figured him to be good at mathematics, especially algebra.

While Roy Mustang filled out paperwork, Edward Elric sat in the couch, muttering to himself.

"It is well known that in Pythagorean Theorem, 'a' squared (a[superscript 2) plus 'b' squared (b[superscript 2) equals 'c' squared (c[superscript 2), and 'a' is the distance from Roy to me, and 'b' is the distance from me to the door, and 'c' is the distance from Roy to the door, assuming this forms a right triangle, which, for sake of example, we will assume it does. In an emergency evacuation, who would reach the door first? 'C' is unknown, but, as circumstances have it, Roy would have to leap his desk in order to make a straight line. 'A' is said to be three feet, and 'b' is said to be seven feet. As given, 'c' must be 58. Thus, the distance from Roy to the door, given he jumps his desk, must be 7.616 feet. In theory, if both subjects, said subjects being Roy and I, walked at the same pace, I would reach the door first. However, given that my legs are height-challenged" –Edward paused to cringe- "I walk at a slower pace. By estimation, I can walk around 250 feet per minute, while Roy walks at about 325 feet per minute. This is speed walking, but that is to be assumed what we would be doing, since there is an emergency. We must remain calm, but we would walk faster than usually. If both alchemists were to depart at the same time, Roy would reach the door in 0.0234 minutes, or 1.4 seconds. However, given time to leap his desk, his exit would most likely take a closer position to two seconds, so we shall assign him a number of 1.7, giving him credit to leap his desk in 0.3 seconds, assuming he does not trip. I would reach the door in 0.0215 minutes, or rather 1.29 seconds. HAH, YOU BASTARD, I WOULD BEAT YOU, DESPITE MY HEIGHT-CHALLENGED LEGS!!" Edward suddenly burst out, causing Roy to jump several feet in the air (figuratively).

"...What?" Roy asked, severely confused. He was unable to follow Edward's ramblings and thus had no idea what the teen was talking about.

"If we had an emergency evacuation, given that we are a right triangle including the door, by use of Pythagorean Theorem and estimations of speed, I would reach the door before you do!"

"Did you just think of that all right now?"

"Yes!"

"...In your head?"

"Yes!"

"Let me get this straight: you can think out complicated algebraic equations to find out who would reach the door first given an emergency, yet you can't think out that 'building' equals 'do not destroy' during missions?" Roy asked calmly. Edward turned red.

"You know I can't help it if a few buildings get in my way..." Edward trailed off. "See if I ever show my algebra skills to you again!" Edward stuck out his tongue and walked out of his office. Roy sighed and returned to signing his name for the hundredth time today.

All he had to worry about now was whether Edward would find a way to turn sex into an algebra equation: "If subject 'a' is me and subject 'b' is you, and 'c' is the distance between our sexual organs, then subject 'a' would like to keep distance 'c' fixed on the same number. However, if subject 'a' would like 'c' to become more variable, subject 'b' must sum it up that insults plus not-paying-attention does not equal subject 'a' makes a move to lessen the distance. In that case, subject 'b' becomes an equation by itself, forced to decide what else is need to be added to make 'apology' equal 'sex'."

"...What?" Roy would be stupid enough to ask again. He would then be immediately kicked out of his bedroom and forced to sleep on the couch.


	17. Hippie

I'm sorry it took me this long to come up with another one after that short, uh, phase of having one come out each day. I was trying to do the badboy phase and was having a bit of trouble. So, I decided to attempt a different one instead (that would be this phase). I can't wait for the weekend; then I will probably be more inspired, and thus a better writer. Plus I have only 2 1/2 days of school next week so I have some free time to do whatever!  
I don't like this one. If I come up with something better, I might try re-writing it.

**Disclaimer:** I am getting some awesome Fullmetal Alchemist Vans-like shoes, but I do not own FMA. If only...-sigh-  
**Note:** Kind of a lime near the end.  
**Phase:** Hippie

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Breda plugged his nose as Fullmetal walked past him. _'He smells worse than those beasts called dogs when they are wet.'_ He allowed the thought to flash through his head before quickly pushing from his mind; the mere thought of dogs was enough to make him shutter.

Roy stopped mid-signature. Slowly, he lifted his head. He took a sniff of the air. Oh yes, the smell of the office had definitely changed. He could smell the slight tainting of body odor and...dirt? The smell was getting stronger as well.

Just when Roy Mustang thought he could take no more of the stink, his office door slammed open. Surprisingly enough, the smell got even stronger. Edward Elric dragged in a cloud, and that is the only word that could describe this stench, with him.

Gasping for breath, Roy tried to question his subordinate, "Fu-Fullmetal. I feel"—cough—"it is necessary to ask why you"—cough cough—"why you"—cough cough—"WHY YOU STINK!" Roy shouted in the frustration of choking when he tried to talk normally.

"I don't stink. I smell as nature intended." Edward said simply.

"Have you even thought about a shower?" Roy asked. He was horrified to discover that he was possibly growing used to the smell; he could breathe easier.

Edward let out a gasp as if a shower were going to overtake the world and kill it.

"Roy! Do you even know what showers do to the world? First they add all those chemicals, which they claim are to clean the water, but which can poison the earth. The products you use in the shower are harmful as well! Shampoo and conditioner are the worse among them. Have you ever noticed that it burns to get shampoo in your eye? How can something that's natural possibly burn so much?? Soap can be just as bad. It scraps off essential skin oil and dirt, just claims to be 'all-natural'. I doubt it. **Showers are going to be what kills us all**!!" Edward bellowed the last sentence.

Roy couldn't help it; he not only smirked at the start of Ed's ramble, but he was suppressing laughter by the end of it. Then an idea struck him.

"Wait. Cleaning yourself is bad, but using dye isn't?" Roy asked, clearly indicating Edward's clothes. Ed was wearing a tie-dyed shirt, loose jeans, and a tie-dyed bandana on his head.

Ed huffed. "Colonel Bastard, rather than point out flaws in my logic, you should be spreading peace and love." The irony of calling someone a bastard and then saying to "spread peace and love" failed to strike Ed.

"...And drugs?"

"Shut up!"

"Not to mention, you say to spread peace and love, yet you are part of the military. The military is slightly involved in the battles in war. I mean, they aren't a _big_ part...just the _entire working force_ behind it."

Edward huffed again. Obviously this phase was not going to work. And after than time he spent not showering and running in dirt barefoot and picking flowers and, oh yeah, _not showering._

Suddenly Edward looked up at Roy with the most pitifully gaze he could make.

Roy raised an eyebrow.

"I want a shower." Edward stated, though this was obviously not the only thing he was whining about. "Shower with me?"

_Of course_, Roy realized, _while Edward was creating the stink to accompany this phase, he was completely alone. No one would stick around him when he stunk like this._

Roy sighed, pretending to be upset by this disruption to his signing of papers.

"Of course, Fullmetal. I can't let one of my subordinates run around smelling like this."

No one was in the hallways when the two men walked down the hallways to the shower room. As they entered the shower room, one man darted out of the shower room fully naked; probably to avoid the stench that was entering his nostrils.

Both Edward and Roy stripped down to nothing. Roy turned on the shower so that it was only slightly warm. The shower room was sure to get steamed up anyway.

Grabbing a handful of complimentary shampoo, Roy began rubbing it through Edward's hair as he also began kissing him.

They let Edward's hair rinse as Roy nipped at Edward's lip, causing Ed to moan.

Grabbing more soap than necessary, Roy began rubbing it onto Edward's chest. As he began rubbing Ed's thighs suggestively, he knew: cleaning Edward was going to be a lot of fun.

Smirking, Roy rubbed a little harder, causing Edward to gasp slightly and then moan.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'll leave the rest up to you to imagine. I'm in a strange mood; I can't even attempt to write a lemon right now.

**Extra note:** Over 80 reviews!! XD  
Thank you so much!! Plus, I have yet to see a flame, so those reviews are all _positive_! That makes my day/week.  
One hundred reviews would probably make my month. Except, kill that probably; it would make my month.

**Off topic:** I've been thinking about making a RoyEd story with a parental complex. Do you think I should try it?  
(it might be a story or a series--each chapter could be a clip from their life.)  
(parental complex is Roy and Ed are dating, but sometimes Roy acts like he is Ed's father. Not like "I helped make you." sort of thing. More like if Edward yelled at Roy, Roy shouts back and tells Edward to go to his room.)


	18. Hippie Remake

**Disclaimer:** Of course, I don't own FMA. You should know this by now.  
**Warning:** A little cussing.  
**Extra:** Al gets in on this phase -grin-  
**Phase:** This is a remake of the Hippie Phase. Personally, even though this one doesn't have a sex scene, I like this one better. I don't know what made me write the other one like I did.

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Roy Mustang sighed and listened to the rain hitting the glass.

Oh, how he despised the rain. It was no secret.

Rain made him vulnerable; rain made him _weak_.

Roy hadn't signed a sheet all day, and while he knew that he would receive Riza's punishment for it, he couldn't bring himself to sign the papers when he was feeling this depressed.

He had just rest his head on his desk when the door slammed open. Roy winced. Once day that boy was going to break that door right off the hinges.

"Nii-san! I told you to knock!" Wait...Al was with Ed? Roy lifted his head, but regretted it immediately. His eyes actually burned at the brightness of the colors emitting from Ed's shirt and Al.

Edward was dressed in a bright tye-dyed shirt, loose white pants, and a headband on his head, and nothing on his feet. Al's armor was simply painted the brightest neon colors of the rainbow.

"...What the...?" Roy looked at the brothers as if they were nuts.

"Roy! Let's go dance in the rain, Royyyy! Let's get soaking wet, Roy!" Edward said. (1)

"Fuck that!" Roy cussed the rain out with all the fury he felt at it.

"Peace and love, Mr. Mustang. Don't spread war!" Al burst out.

"Alphonse Elric, you are in a military base. We are war." Roy stated. Al put his hands on his hips, an unspoken statement that Roy was being unfair. Ed decided to burst in again.

"Royyyy, I want to dance in the rain! The rain is nature! Nature is beautiful!" Edward whined in a happy sort of way. "And then, after the rain has passed, we shall put flowers in our hair!"

"...Flowers?"

"Yes, pretty pink ones! And purple! And yellow! And red! And blue! We shall makes a rainbow of flowers in our hair!" Edward exclaimed. Clearly, he was excited at the idea of having flowers in his hair.

"No." Roy said, clear determination in his eyes.

"Royyyy." Edward whined.

"_No._ Ed, I hate the rain." Edward made a pouting face and turned to Al.

"Al, speak to me in the hallway?"

Roy didn't know what happened: one minute, the boys (or rather, the boy and the armor) were talking in the hallway, and the next he was grabbed in the arms of the armor boy.

"Ah! Let me go! Hawkeye will shoot you!!" Roy threatened, not bothering to try to escape—he knew it would all be in vain.

"Actually, sir, I would like to see this little act of torture. It's not like you are doing your paperwork anyway." Riza appeared at the doorway, smirking.

Thus, Roy was dragged outside and alchemically tied to the ground by Ed.

Then Ed and Al went to pick flowers that decorated part of headquarters while Riza kept guard. They giggled the entire time, though neither knew what about.

When they returned, they tried to braid the flowers into Roy's medium length hair. Unfortunately, the hair wasn't quite long enough.

Thinking quickly, Ed clapped his hands.

---

No one in Central ever thought they'd live to see the day when The Great Flame Alchemist Roy Mustang would be running through the rain. They also did not know that when they saw this, he would be chasing would after a boy and a suit of armor, and that he would have flowers of all colors actually _attached_ to his hair.

---------------------------------------------------

(1) If you have ever seen the movie Candy Mountain that is what Edward and Al sound like; if not, I suggest looking "Candy Mountain" up on YouTube, since that is the aim I had in mind. Roy is obviously Charlie.

More A/N: Thank you so much to all my reviewers. I have over 90 reviews! -squeal-  
Anyways, sorry it took so long for me to update.  
I'll self advertise and maybe that will help you understand. You see, I was working on my RoyEd-with-a-parental-complex story. You can go check that out if you would like. It has yet to have real plot...  
Also, I now have a set of drabbles about RizaXWinry, called Both Women. It starts with a oneshot and then has some drabbles. So...if you like yuri...(It's all light, however. I haven't done a lemon, or even a lime, really. Though I do make references that the reader is supposed to figure out as "OH! They had sex. Teehee.")  
That's the end of my self advertisement...


	19. Badboy

**A/N:** This took me way too long. Somehow I got something similar to writer's block. I should have made Edward a bit more of a badboy, but I suppose this will do.  
**Disclaimer:** If I owned FMA, the website would be a lot more helpful for information. Honestly, they need to redo that website so that it can help the viewers. All it's good for now is promoting the movie and DVD's. It doesn't tell us what Fullmetal Alchemist is or why I should watch it. I'm rather disappointed in that website. And THAT is why I don't own FMA.  
**Phase:** Bad boy. (Even though he rides a motorcycle, he's not a biker.)  
**P.S.** (this was added later): Yes, I am still taking requests. Remember to check chapter 11, Author's notes, to see what phases I am going to do.

----------------------------------------------------

Roy paused from (not) doing his paperwork. Was that the sound of motorcycle he heard—in the office?? No, he decided, but it was a cheap imitation of one. It sounded almost like a toy...

Immediately Roy's eyes widened. Oh no, Hughes had finally and ultimately snapped and he was coming to shove the real Elysia, who was for some reason riding a toy motorcycle, in his face. Roy could just picture Hughes cooing, "Isn't she a cutie? Who's a cutie, Elysia? Who's a cutie?? You are! Yes you are!"

Roy was attempting to crawl out his window when the door barged open. He squeezed his eyes shut once and opened them. Slowly, Roy crawled back into the room. He then sighed and turned around to face the horror. His jaw dropped.

Rather than Hughes with Elysia, Edward Elric rode in on a toy motorcycle made for five-year-olds. In addition to his usually tight leather pants, Edward was also wearing a tight white shirt and a leather jacket. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail, rather than his usually braid.

"Hey, man." Edward said in as deep of a voice as he could manage. Roy didn't even know how to react, so he reacted the only way he knew how: he made a short joke.

"So, finally admitting that this is the only vehicle you will ever be tall enough to ride on?" Rather than explode like usual, Edward actually flicked out a switchblade.

"You want to say that again, bitch?"

"Fullmetal!" Roy exclaimed in shock. "Put that away. Damn it. First you threaten the Führer's life the first time you meet him, and now you are threatening mine. You're just asking to get court martialed, currently."

"Oh, lay off. I was joking." Edward reluctantly folded the blade and put it away.

"You're a military dog; lose any sense of humor you have like _that_ and destroy it."

"Rightttt. I'm going to go paint an anarchy symbol in the bathroom now." With that, Edward pulled a red marker out of his pocket and left to do what he just suggested. Roy took a moment to fully understand what this meant.

"WAIT!" He yelled after Ed. Ed looked back, and then turned back to his previous task. "Hawkeye, shoot him! He's going to vandalize the bathrooms, and that means more paperwork I'm going to put off or not do at all!" Roy shouted at Riza Hawkeye.

"Right, sir! Edward, run for your life or submit now!" Edward chose the previous of Riza's choices and took off.

Roy sighed and went back into his office. Hopefully Riza would teach Edward a lesson about being a rebel.

Upon entering his office, Roy tripped over Ed's motorcyle. _Damn it!_ He thought. _Now I have to bring this damn thing home!_

Of course, there was one advantage to having this thing in his office: Roy spent the day riding it rather than doing his paperwork.

Finally, it was time to leave. He decided to leave the motorcycle in the office, as opposed to his earlier thoughts, due to the mere fact that he didn't want to drag it home.

He found Edward hiding out at his house, thinking he was safe from Riza.

"Where's my motorcycle??" Edward demanded once he knew Riza was not following Roy.

"I left it at the office. I didn't want to drag it home." Roy stated.

"Damn it! Damn you, bastard. Maybe I wanted that." Edward cussed at Roy angrily.

"Want to know what else you can ride on?" Roy said suggestively.

"Shit. I already know." Edward said, over-pronouncing the word "shit".

Of course, before anything could happen, Edward recalled what Roy said much earlier.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORT ENOUGH TO BE A FIVE YEAR OLD AND THUS HAS TO RIDE CHILDREN'S VEHICLES BECAUSE HE CAN'T EVEN SEE OVER THE STEERING WHEEL OR REACH THE PEDALS OF A REAL CAR??"

Roy sighed. Of course, now there would be no riding tonight. Damn it.


	20. AN Thank you

I have just hit one hundred reviews!! (as I was writing this, it hit 102)  
Every one was positive or neutral too. Not one flame or "I hate your story". -grin-

Thank you to everyone who has every reviewed:

Alima8314 (x4)  
anon.  
catgrl106  
Dark Chocolate Alchemist (x3)  
E.Mahiru (x17) **(most frequent reviewer)  
**fmagirl0919  
Gioll  
GreedxEd (x8)  
EmoNekoNinja (x6)  
HappyEmo69 (x2)  
Hufflepuff Ninja  
KobrahEdo  
Invader-Nehima  
Mage of Dragons (x7)  
melchan13 (x8)  
Mitshuiluv (x2)  
Murasaki-Hitsuji  
Nightroad Abel (x5)  
phases rox!  
radcat38 (x10) **(first reviewer)  
**Randomperso  
Shaay  
TraitorTatara (x3)  
TenshiElric  
troy (x8)  
TwilightNatalia  
TwiliHime33 (x3)  
VermilionValentine (x2)  
Yamazaki-Rei (x2)

Honestly, you are all amazing. Thank you so much—especially anyone who reviewed 8 or more times.  
Anyone who is underlined has a link, and I recommend that you look them up with the search on here. The frequent reviewers are the ones most likely to have stories you can read.

Thank you as well to the 12 people that favorited this story, and the 22 who have this on story alert.


	21. Good boy

**Disclaimer:** -giggles- I don't own FMA. -realizes she doesn't know why she's giggling...-  
**Apology:** I had this written for a few days, but I completely forgot about it. Oops.  
**Phase:** Goody two shoes or goody-goody. Whichever you prefer.

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Edward woke up for the second time that day. (The first time was to say goodbye to Roy. After doing such, he went back to sleep.)

He stretched and sighed. After running from Hawkeye the other day (reference to badboy phase), his legs were still sore. These rebel phases were just not working. Today, he was doing something different. However, because he was Ed, he needed to take it to the extreme.

---

Roy heard a polite knocking on his door.

"Come in." He said, expecting anyone but his lover—yet his lover is what he got.

"Hey, sweetie." Edward said in a light tone (A/N: This polite/light tone is how Ed will be talking the entire time), and walked over to Roy and gave the man a little kiss on the cheek. "What are you up to?"

"Literally nothing." Roy stated, doodling another shape on an important form.

"Oh, I see. Please excuse me." Edward bowed, and walked out of the room.

"Yes, Miss Hawkeye, the Colonel is not doing his paperwork." Roy overheard Ed telling Riza. He gulped.

"Thank you, Edward." Riza replied.

"I'm glad I could be of service."

"ROY, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Riza bellowed, and kicked his office door open. She immediately shot right next to his head. Ed wandered away to let the two settle their dispute.

"EDWARD!" Hughes waved to Ed excitedly. "Look at Elysia! Look, here she is riding her tricycle! Isn't she a cutie?"

Edward actually squealed. "Oh my! She is! Oh, and she's getting so big!"

Hughes was taken aback. No one had ever responded to his photos in such a manner. Apparently, Ed was a sweetie today. Hughes decided not to let it go to waste. The two spent about half an hour squealing over the same ten photos of Elysia ("OH MY GOD, LOOK! A tiny strand came out of her ponytail!"). However, everyone in the nearby break room told them to shut up after that.

"Roy?" Edward knocked and then walked into Roy's office. He found that he walked into a hostile situation. Riza was holding her gun to Roy's head, while the man signed papers as fast as he could. Ed didn't even react—he was used to such a thing. "Roy, darling, I am leaving to pet homeless cats and dogs at a soup kitchen which occasionally collects donations to either sent to Africa to cure AIDS or goes to a cancer research center, okay?"

"What?" Roy and Riza asked together. Riza let her gun slip and Roy stopped signing papers.

"I am going to pet homeless cats and dogs at a soup kitchen which occasionally collects donations to either sent to Africa to cure AIDS or goes to a cancer research center..." Ed repeated. Roy still didn't really understand how those all worked together, but he let it go.

"What time will you be home?"

"Around eight." Edward said.

"Okay. Good luck petting cats to cure AIDS and cancer, or whatever you said." Roy answered, before returning to his paperwork before Riza could notice he stopped.

Edward hardly even made it to the soup kitchen. He kept stopping to help people.

---

"DADDY, I WANT A CANDY BAR!" A little kid screamed in the most annoying high-pitched voice possible.

"Son, we don't have money for a candy bar." The father said, and thus, Edward bought a candy bar for the boy.

---

"MY CAT IS IN A TREE!" A woman yelled. Edward climbed the tree and got the cat down.

---

"MY DOG JUST ROLLED IN MUD!" Edward washed the dog.

---

"My lawn needs mowing. Hey, would you like to make a nickel, little boy?" In good charity, Ed let the "little boy" comment slip and mowed the man's lawn.

---

"My dad just died!" A girl cried. Edward performed a human transmutation and created a new daddy for her.

...Just kidding on the last one.

---

By the time Ed made it to the soup kitchen, all he could do was pet one cat and serve one bowl of soup, and then it was time to leave.

---

"Gosh darn it! Being a good citizen is EXHAUSTING." Edward said, while tossing his coat on the couch once he was home.

"That's why it's much better to be a bad person." Roy said, and then leaned in to kiss Ed.

"Prove it." Ed said once the kiss was over.

"Well..." Roy nipped Ed's ear. He then breathed into Ed's ear, "Gosh, this is so naughty. We would be such bad boys if we were to make love. I'd be a pedophile and you'd be a slut."

"Hardly." Ed breathed back into Roy's ear.

Still, he found himself getting excited. Roy did the trick. Screw being a goody-goody—he was happier being a bad boy.

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**Extra note, mostly for GreedxEd:** -singsongy voice- Roy got laid tonight. Heehee.  
**Other:** Thank you for the reviews, everyone. And for subscribing to be alerted for this. I feel special that a message has just been sent out to 23 people that I posted a new chapter. -grin-


	22. Artist

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FMA and that's just the way it is.  
**Notes:** The only RoyEd-ness is the last line. Heehee. I also apologize for the slow updates on Phases. It's not a lack of ideas. More like, I am getting more and more into my other story "You're Not My Dad!"  
**Special thanks to:** Alima8314 (for the idea, even if it was suggested jokingly. I was unsure of what to do, which is why I took so long to do this phase.)  
**Phase:** Artist

-----------------------------------------------

Roy Mustang and his military subordinates came into the office to find a "French" Edward Elric complete with a tiny and thin mustache.

He asked them to calmly remain standing and then proceeded to obviously draw them. Eager to put off paperwork, Roy encouraged his subordinates to humor him. Thus, Roy, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, and Kain Fuery were all drawn. Everyone else refused.

The four stood for about an hour and a half before Edward claimed he was done.

---

"What the hell is this?" Roy demanded to know, once he saw the drawing. Not only were the drawings just all out bad, but they were rather insulting. Falman looked at it.

"Caricature: a picture, description, etc., ludicrously exaggerating the peculiarities or defects of persons or things." Falman said, causing Hawkeye to sigh.

"Loosen up, Falman." Hawkeye completely contradicted herself as she tensed at Ed's drawing of her. "...What the hell are these?!" She demanded to know, pointing at what looked like two inflated car airbags on her chest.

"Ze call-le those le breasts, madam." Ed impersonated a horrible French accent.

"Surely they aren't that big??" Hawkeye's eyes widened and she looked down at her chest. "And...why am I...? _**AM I HUMPING A GUN??**_" Her voice rose to a pitch that several people in the office thought was impossible for the human voice to hit, much less for Riza to hit.

"That's okay. I'm crying over some girl walking away while humping a box of cigarettes..." Havoc said.

"That girl is walking over to me." Roy smirked. "Why do I have a midget by my leg?"

"...That's me, sir." Fuery stated. "Though I don't understand...I'm taller than the artist who drew this."

"You are still short. Wait a minute...my hand is down my pants..." Roy noticed.

"To in-day-cates over le horniness, sir." Edward said.

"Do you want to be court marshaled, Fullmetal?" Roy stated calmly.

"Le sir es no happy with mi painting?" Ed asked, accidentally throwing a Spanish word (es) into his fake French accent, which just showed how little he really knew about the French language.

"Excuse me, but he drew me humping my gun." Riza said. "Elric, do you want to know what this gun can do? You better run." Riza cocked her gun.

Ed's eyes widened, and he took her advice. All afternoon, the two darted around the office (they once darted outside, but the act of pulling out their watches to be let back inside was too much). Roy tossed Riza bullets whenever she ran out, happy to help.

"SEE IF I EVER DRAW FOR YOU PEOPLE AGAIN!" Edward yelled, still running and breathless.

"Good!" Everyone shouted.

"AND YOU'RE NOT GETTING SEX TONIGHT!" Roy shouted, happy to finally be able to deny Ed.

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A/N: Heehee. As if Roy could deny Ed. Pfft.


	23. Obsessive

**Disclaimer:** I do not own FMA, nor any cleaning product brands. However, I do own two bottles of 409: All Surface Cleaner, and Glass&Surface.  
**Phase:** Obsessive Phase

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Once upon a day, Edward could not think of a phase to experience for that day. Thus, when he found a bottle of Formula 409 All Surface Cleaner, he began to use it. Ed saw a smudge on Roy's counter, sprayed it, and then began to rub it away. The sticky spot came off rather easily, and Ed was surprised.

---

Roy walked into the break room and yawned. He then walked over to the yellow-ish refrigerator and took out a small cup of pre-made coffee. It was still lukewarm, but Roy needed it hot, so he heated it up in the microwave.

He sat down in his office, took a sip of the scalding hot liquid, and started to stare at the paperwork he was supposed to be doing (but wasn't).

---

Back at the house, Ed was discovering the miracles of Formula 409. He went about thoroughly cleaning the countertops, sinks, and anything else he could think of (besides fabric).

When Ed decided that he could clean nothing more in the house, he decided to share this secret with Roy and his subordinates.

---

When Roy walked back into the break room, he was surprised to find Edward cleaning the countertops. Also, he noticed: the refrigerator was a different color.

"Ed?"

"Mm?" Ed had his tongue poking out of his mouth as he worked hard to get a tough spot.

"Did you replace the refrigerator?" Roy asked awkwardly. Could such a small boy really drag out that refrigerator?

"Nuh-uh. Cleaned it." Edward said, speaking in fragments. He had finished with the spot and moved to clean more of the counter.

"...It was yellow-ish before. Are you telling me that that thing was white??" Roy was shocked. "How the hell did it get so dirty to change colors??"

"Smoking. Nicotine. Turns stuff yellow. Nasty yellow film." Ed explained.

"Havoc." Roy concluded. Ed nodded absently.

The entire day, Ed went about cleaning. Once, he tried to clean where Riza Hawkeye was doing some paperwork, and she had to shoot at him to get him to back off. In another incident, Maes Hughes came in, and tried to show Ed some pictures of Elysia; Ed took the picture of her slathered in mud and tried to clean it, but had to conclude that Elysia was just dirty in the picture, and so told Hughes, "Dirty girl." Hughes left the break room with overdramatic tears running down his face.

It was the third incident that caused Ed to get kicked out of the office. Jean Havoc came into the break room, and Ed saw his opportunity. He wanted to see if a smoker had a yellow film on them. Ed came up to Havoc muttering something about cleaning, and sprayed Havoc full on in the face with Formula 409.

Luckily, Havoc was able to close his eyes in time, but he was downright pissed. He instinctively sucker punched Ed in the face and started cussing at him. He was about the attack the confused teenager, whom could (for some reason) not understand what he did wrong. Luckily, Alex Armstrong was able to take a hold of Havoc. He then suggested that Edward leave.

Roy came in to see what the commotion was and saw Ed with 409 and Havoc struggling to get out of Armstrong's arms, eager to attack the fellow blonde.

Knowing Ed the way he did, he chalked up the conclusion: Ed had tried to clean Havoc.

"Fullmetal, I suggest you go home." He said. Ed was not comprehensive, and obeyed the man.

---

Roy came home to find his house dark except for the living room. Judging by the bouncing light, he could tell that Ed had lit up candles.

"I LOVE YOU!" Edward shouted in an excited way.

"That's sweet of you to say—." Roy discontinued his sentence when he walked into the scene in the living room.

Ed was snuggled up on the couch with his bottle of Formula 409, cradling it like a baby. He looked too content and happy; it disturbed Roy.

Ed didn't even notice Roy, and so Roy decided to just walk away.

Well, at least the bottle can't give him sex... Roy thought. Wait! Yes it can! He quickly ran back to the scene in the living room.

"Ed, if I find you cheating on me with a bottle of Formula 409, I'm going to cheat on you with...with...WITH A BOTTLE OF LYSOL!" Roy yelled out, quickly thinking of a competitor for Formula 409.

Ed looked up at Roy, blinked twice, and then burst out laughing. He laughed until it hurt; he laughed until he couldn't breathe; still, he continued laughing.

"Oh—oh—oh—my—g—god." Edward managed between gasps of breaths. "N—never—never—never again. Don't—ever—suggest—that—again."

Roy flushed heavily. He tried to kiss Ed, but found the boy was laughing too hard. He sighed and turned out of the room, leaving Ed clutching his sides and still laughing.

----------------------------------------------

Sorry that Ed repeats stuff so much while he's laughing. It's what I do, so I thought I'd make him to do. :-)

Formula 409 is amazing. My dad's refrigerator really did have a yellow film on it, and 409 cleaned it right off.


	24. Beatnik

**Disclaimer:** If I owned FullMetal Alchemist, there would be a spin-off featuring RoyEd. Do you see it by the original artist though? No. Thus, I don't own FMA.  
**Notes:** I'm not sure how funny this is, but it's long, so hopefully it's okay. I'm really, really sorry that I've been neglecting Phases. I have a summary-ish thing (writing plan) written up for all future phases, but now I just need to write them.  
**Phase:** Beatnik. Never heard of it before GreedxEd suggested it, but it sounds like what we call a "goth" around here (because we are stupid): "Drink coffee, read poetry, snap their fingers instead of clapping, have a goatee, and wear all black with those bertes hat things."

----------------------------------------

"Tonight, we are going on a date. I have picked out the place." Edward said over the phone to Roy.

"Um. Okay." Roy said, rather confused. Edward never made the dates. He did—Edward expected him to:

"You damn well better take me on dates, or I'll break up with you. I want to be treated as nicely as the girls you date." Edward said to Roy a day after they started dating. That night, Roy had shown up on Ed's hotel doorstep with flowers and a small box of chocolates. After Ed got overly excited, Roy took him to a very fancy restaurant. Ed was embarrassed as being dress casually, but appreciated it nonetheless. He showed Roy that later in the bedroom that night...

"Anyways, get back to signing papers. I'll see you tonight." Edward said, interrupting Roy's thoughts.

"Okay. Love you." Roy replied.

"Love you too." Edward said back, and hung up.

---

That night, Roy came home to Edward anxiously waiting.

"Where have you been?" Ed asked.

"Work..." Roy replied, though the answer should have been obvious.

"You're late. We should be at this place at seven, and we still have to eat supper."

"We have forty-five minutes; calm down."

"Yeah, but you need to get changed up."

The two ate supper in twenty minutes. Neither of them took a shower, due to lack of time.

For a reason Roy could not fathom but did not question nonetheless, Edward had him dress in all black.

"One last thing." Ed mixed a lot of purple food dye in water and transmuted his hair purple-black.

"What'd you do that for?" Roy asked.

"Oh, you'll see."

---

Edward had dragged Roy to a coffee house. Roy knew damn well that Edward hated coffee—so why a coffee house?

"Why are we at..." Edward shushed Roy before he could finish. They went inside and the lights got dark.

"Just in time." Edward whispered.

"In time for what?" Roy asked, but Ed ignored his question.

A teenaged guy with a goatee and all black clothes got on the stage as Ed ordered himself and Roy coffee.

Roy took note that Edward didn't even drink his own. Then the teenager on stage began talking.

"Love. Is. Hate. Hatred. Burns. Deep." The teenager spoke as if each word were some dramatic sentence that was supposed to send chills down your spine, but it failed to do so for Roy. "Hatred. Is. My. Soul. My. Soul. Is. Black."

"OHH!! We're going to listen to some guy read his crappy poetry!" Roy said a bit too loudly. The people around him shushed and glared at him.

"Roy!" Ed hissed quietly.

"Guy. In. The. Back. Of. The. Room. Is. So. Mean. Oh. My. Heart. It. Hurts. So. Bad." The teenager saw to it to personally call out Roy. "Pain. My. Life. Is. Pain."

It began with a sneer. The sneer turned into a snicker. The snicker became a soft, suppressed laugh. The final result was the loud laugh Roy let out that echoed through the room.

"Dude, do you think you could do it better?" The teenager asked. Roy nodded his head.

"Y-yes. Way better." Roy replied loudly, so as to be heard.

"No! Roy! What are you doing?" Edward whispered towards his date. "You don't know any poetry!"

Roy smirked at his young lover.

"Watch this." He walked up to the stage and took the microphone. The teenager walked off as Roy began to ad-lib overdramatically. "Ohh the pain I feel! I wear black because I want to hide in the crevasses of life! My soul is dead! Dead! Dead! I am not alive. My pulse is gone! Can you see! I'm in pain! I feel hated by everyone! In fact, I'm going to slit my wrists after this! So I can die! Blood is my tears! I will cry from my wrist as I die!" Roy ended briefly. Suddenly the audience was clapping rapidly, and some actually let out cries of joy.

"I feel the same way!" A person said in a very loud voice.

"Hey, don't slit your wrists! That was really good!" One person saw to it to say even louder, yet still not qualifying as yelling.

"I agree! I would love you if my heart wasn't dead!" Yet another person said, though it was about the same volume as the first person.

Again, the process from sneering to laughing began. It took a step further to where Roy was bending over and then crumpled on the floor from laughing so hard. They used a push broom to move him off.

Ed stood over Roy's form on the floor. "That was embarrassing!" He exclaimed quietly.

"That was"—Roy let out a laugh—"so absolutely"—another laugh—"ridiculous. We should come here again sometime."

"No way!" Edward said.

Edward stomped out of the coffee house with Roy following him.

"I just have one question." Roy said.

"What?" Edward asked, angry at having to be embarrassed.

"Did you even drink your coffee?"

"No. I hate coffee." Edward replied.

"Then we are not coming to coffee houses anymore." Roy said, and leaned down and kissed Edward. The kissing became a bit heavier, despite the slight taste of coffee in Roy's mouth. The two separated only when they needed air.

"You're still not"—Edward took a breath—"going to"—breath—"get any"—breath—"sex tonight!" Edward smirked up at Roy.

"Shit."


	25. Random

**Disclaimer:** If I owned FullMetal Alchemist, there would be RoyEd in every episode of it, just like there is in this story. Unfortunately, the author did not have RoyEd at all, thus, I don't own FMA.  
**Notes:** On the last chapter, I said that the "audience was clapping rabidly". I meant to say that the audience was "snapping rapidly". The error has been changed and I apologize for having it in the first place.  
In this chapter, Ed is saying everything as if it fits the situation exactly, even though it obviously doesn't. He doesn't realize that he's saying the wrong thing.  
**Phase:** Random. It was supposed to be Edward just saying random things, but I decided to make it into a QuoteFic because I got a new book with a bunch of quotes and decided to use them. It doesn't give credit to the speakers, so I'll give credit to the book. _Everything_ that Ed says is a quote from the book 14,000 Quips & Quotes for Writers & Speakers by E.C. McKenzie.

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The previous night, Edward Elric couldn't find a book on alchemy that he hadn't read, and so he had read a book of quotes instead. Today, quotes were floating in his mind, and he seemed to be having trouble finding one for the situation, though he couldn't even come to realize that. The quotes were taking over his mind. The first person that Edward encountered on his way to see Roy Mustang was Maes Hughes.

"Hey Edward! Want to see pictures of my beautiful Elysia??" Hughes asked excitedly, already shoving pictures in Edward's face.

"A Shetland pony is nothing but a compact horse." Edward replied confidently and walked away. Hughes was left to dwell in his own confusion. An idea struck him after a bit, and he yelled after Edward.

"Are you saying my daughter looks like a horse??" Edward didn't acknowledge that Hughes had yelled after him, so Hughes was unsure whether the boy heard him.

The next person Edward saw was Jean Havoc in the break room, whom was about to light a cigarette. Intending to tell Havoc that Riza Hawkeye would kill him if she saw him and that cigarette smoking kills anyway, Edward walked over to him.

"Arguing with your wife is as useless as trying to blow out a light bulb." This quote slipped out of Edward's mouth instead. Dramatic tears began flooding out of Havoc's eyes.

"I DON'T HAVE A WIFE!" He sobbed. "I can't even get a girlfriend! Why would you say that??" Edward grew worried and tried to comfort Havoc.

"The real crown jewels are ideas." Edward said, patting Havoc awkwardly on the back.

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT _MEAN_??" Havoc yelled, and ran out of the room crying. Edward shrugged and proceeded to visit Mustang's other subordinates.

"Does anyone know what's wrong with Havoc?" Riza Hawkeye entered the office. Obviously the crying Havoc had just run by her. Edward smiled and shrugged at her.

"He who indulges bulges." He replied. Hawkeye gave him an odd look.

"...So he ate too much and gained weight?" She asked.

"Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs." Edward nodded, finally saying what he should have said to Havoc.

"...What?"

"If experience is the best teacher, how is it that some husbands still think they're the boss of the family?" Edward asked.

"Well, I-I don't know..." Hawkeye said awkwardly. The question took her by surprise and she had no idea how to answer it, since she had never been married. Edward began to walk out of the room without so much as a goodbye just as Alex Armstrong was walking in.

"Major Elric!" Armstrong bellowed. "Take a look upon my muscles!" He then ripped off his shirt and flexed. Edward grew apprehensive and fearful.

"A woman driver is known by the fenders she keeps." He squeaked. Suddenly a bullet went zooming past his head.

"Don't insult woman drivers!" Hawkeye commanded. Edward decided this room was not safe and snuck away without another word to Roy Mustang's office.

Completely out of character due to the quotes eating his brain, Edward actually knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Roy asked loudly.

"He knew not what to say, so he swore!" Edward yelled back.

"What the..." Roy got up from his spot at the desk and opened his door slowly. He peeked out and saw it was his lover, Edward. "Are you okay, FullMetal?" He asked, letting the teen into his office.

"Age is like love. It cannot be hidden." Edward said as Roy closed the door.

"How it that related to my question?" Roy paused. "Wait, are you saying I look old? I can't believe you! As least I am not as short and small like a piece of broken pencil lead!"

"YOU'LL NEVER MOVE UP IF YOU'RE CONTINUALLY RUNNING SOMEBODY DOWN!" Edward yelled this quote. Suddenly he grew silent. Then, quietly, he asked, "Isn't it true that we judge ourselves by our best intentions and others by their worst faults?"

Apparently, by saying a short joke, Roy had created an arrangement in Ed's mind. Though Edward could still only say quotes, he was able to choose a right quote for the situation.

"No. No, Ed. You know I didn't mean it. I'm sorry." Roy looks truly regretful. "I was joking."

"It is impossible to express love with a clenched fist." Edward replied. In response, Roy took both of Edward's hands with his own.

"There. No clenched fists here." Roy said, smiling gently. Ed smiled back.

"A psychologist says kissing is where two people get so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other." Edward said to show Roy that he was forgiven. Roy leaned in very close to Ed, nearly kissing him.

"Is this close enough?" Rather than answer, Edward kissed Roy—which Roy did not expect (he thought he would initiate it), but responded to immediately. When the two separated, Edward had yet another quote in mind.

"A boy becomes a man when he decides it's more fun to steal a kiss than second base."

"Oh really? What about home run?" Roy said, a naughty smirk spreading across his face.

Just as quickly as Roy had given Edward his sense back, he took it away. Edward couldn't decide which quotes to say anymore.

---

"If thoughts could be read, faces might be redder!!" Edward yelled. There were three people in the break room who could hear him.

"What the fuck are they doing in there??" Breda asked from the other side of the door. He was not present to understand that Edward was saying random things, so he was more confused than the other people in the room—Hawkeye and Havoc, who had returned after bawling for fifteen minutes.

Hawkeye and Havoc, rather than answer Breda, merely shuttered.

"Let's just pretend they are having an argument." Hawkeye suggested.

Havoc nodded, but Breda was left confused.


End file.
